The Beginning!

Ok. Well, here I am super nervous about this decision to start this blog.  I was planning on posting some pictures of me throughout my life (I still may do that once I track them down) but I think I will just start with telling a brief purpose of this blog.

I have battled with my weight a good portion of my life.  I can't seem to get it under control. Several months ago I started a weight loss Facebook group (Weightloss With Friends) in hopes that I would be able to lean on and get/give support and advice from/to others who are struggling with their weight.  It really is a great tool however, it has not motivated me the way I had hoped. 

My weight has completely overtaken my life.  EVERYTHING I do revolves around my weight. Everything from making jokes about my weight to becoming extremely quiet and shy (I will go into that more later).   It is the first thing I think of when I wake in the morning and the last thing before I fall asleep. I have lost myself somehow in this mess of my obesity.  I miss the me I was.  I want the real Heidi back.  My blog name is Hello....Heidi?  Are You In There.  This is the start of me finding....well, me.

At the beginning of this week, the thought came to me, "Heidi, why don't you create a blog?  One that tells about your battle with being overweight.  One that doesn't hold back." 

Holy moly!!! A tell all?  About my weight?  What?  I have tried to dismiss this thought all week but the thought kept coming,"You need to do it!!" Oh my goodness.  Really???  Is this really what I need to do to help get my act together?? BUT I DON'T WANNA!!! Then people will KNOW I'm fat! (I know, shocker right? Lol) Ok.  This had to be a thought of inspiration because there is no other reason I would be open to divulge ANY private information regarding my struggle with my weight.  I hope that through this blog I will get the things off of my chest that have been holding me back from living the life I am entitled to.    

Here it goes....deep breaths......one more deep breath......I hope I am ready for this:

I grew up in a very loving family.  I never doubted the fact that I was loved by anyone in my house.  Sure, as siblings, we fought but we also had plenty of good times to know that the love was there.  My mom was loving yet strict.  My dad was gentle and loving with us as long as we did not disrespect Mom. I learned that pretty quickly. Lol

I was a very happy, outgoing and energetic child.  I had a lot of friends and made friends with anyone the moment we met.  I was popular in the good sense of the word.  Not the cocky, conceited, and mean kind.  I was the kind who was friends with the cool kids, the average, and the geeks.  I would defend those who were being picked on and be friends with those who had no friends.  I was just someone that people liked. And I liked me too.

 I was also a non-stop talker.  I remember how my mom would ask me (after listening to my chatter for probably hours) to please give her a few minutes of quiet.  Lol.  My dad was a little different.  I remember one time on the way home from my softball game, I talked without hardly taking a breath the entire 15-20 min drive and he just smiled and didn't say one word about it. I'm sure he had tuned me out at some point but he didn't let me know. lol 

As I got a little older, I started noticing boys.  I liked the boys.  The boys actually made me a little nervous though.  That was new.  I started to feel a little insecure about myself around them.  No biggie.  It happens when you have little crushes right? Those feelings of being a little nervous escalated into being extremely nervous around boys eventually.  I started noticing differences between me and other girls ESPECIALLY my size.  I was not big (although I thought I was).  I was just bigger boned (as my mom likes to call it) than most of the girls I knew.  I don't remember specific things a few of the kids would say about my weight but I do remember on occasion, little snide comments were made about my size.  I wish I would've realized the difference back then!!

At age 14, I was able to go to church dances.  I was excited until I went for the first time.  All of the sudden, I realized that these boys may have to touch me to dance with me if the song was slow.  Oh no!!  What if they notice I have a LITTLE extra weight on me? (Seriously, very little extra!!) So, every time a slow song would start, I would make my way out to the hall and try to avoid being asked to dance.  That's when I first noticed how shy and insecure I was becoming but I couldn't shake the feeling.  I don't remember going to many dances after that but I do remember that the few I went to I was practically forced into going.  Huh....that sounds funny right?  Most kids want to go to dances and here I am being forced.  What was I thinking?  Oh, that's right, I was thinking I was fat.

The following September I was officially in High School!!  I was sooooo excited!  I would be going to school with my sister, Heather, again.  I was shocked at the turn for the worst I made.  Let me just say that Heather was always kinda quiet and I was the outgoing one when we were little.  High School seemed to flip some weird switch in both of us.  Heather became outgoing and I became extremely shy. I think Heather stole my personality!!  Lol.  Just kidding Heather!

My insecurities went full force in High School. I really started to compare my body to all the other girls.  Dumbest thing I could have done.  Yes, I was bigger than 3/4 of my friends but looking back at my high school pictures, I was not the whale that I felt I was.  But these are the years when my real weight problems slowly started.  


Well, I hate to do this but after working on this for over an hour I need to get back to my family.  Stay tuned in the next few days for the rest of the story.....and if I can track down some pictures I just may post those also. Maybe next post I will catch you up to my current battles.